One of highlights of the week was my talk with a friend and she asked me, “Alma, do you ever wish to have somebody again?”

If I’d say the thought never came to me, then I would be lying to you all. Ofcourse the thought came to me several times before and my answer to that is no. Primarily, I am just too preoccupied to even think if I’d want another man in my life. Suffice to say, with everything that needed to be done at home, work and with school, the thoughts of “getting me a man” doesn’t slip through often.

This thoughts usually come at night time when I am done with work and I am checking out Facebook to check on my friends and how they are doing. I see longtime friends smiling with their husbands or boyfriend’s arms around them. I feel happy to see their gleaming smiles.

Was I jealous? No. But I felt wistful. I think its the companionship and partnership that gets to me. Years ago, I had that life. I had felt the butterflies in the stomach. Getting goosebumps whenever he was near. Or feeling giddy whenever he calls out of the blue or comes home with flowers and unexpected gifts.

I knew the feeling of happiness, and felt the support of a husband years ago and I had relished it. Unfortunately, that life ended and I had mourned it. It took me 3 years to divorce myself emotionally from my husband. It took a year for me to completely detach my thoughts and psychological ties from my husband.

I am happy whenever I see couples huddled together. I smile when I see old couples walking side by side with their children. Perhaps the key to my survival is the fact that I know and recognize the fact that sometimes relationships end.

I actually think of myself as a widow. A woman who had lost a loved one by death. I had mourned that loss years ago. And from time to time I remember things about that life. Certain smell triggers the memory and it permeate through my thoughts. Some memories were bad, some were good. These are my memories. My experiences. I learned that to be able to survive and go through the hurdles is to embrace and recognize these memories. These are mine and mine alone. It has happened and it has brought me to where I am today.

Today, I am happy being alone. Yes, I am alone but I am not lonely. I have my moments, but hey, I know for a fact that life is not at all perfect! I dare not complain….

One thing I found out today… when it rains, my dial up turns to nada… Darn…

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One of the hardest things that I have discovered after leaving my husband was the fact that I was also leaving the image I had become accustomed to. I am not talking about the ritzy house and vehicle I used to drive, but the fact that economically, everything had changed. Not only that the economy in the Philippines had become harder to the regaular Juans and Pedros, but the daily increase of the price of daily commodities is hitting me along with the rest so hard I cannot keep tabs of the price of rice and oil everyday. I have also sworn off watching the news but instead opted for RSS feeds directly from Inquirer, and thats it.

I cannot believe how it is now for the rest, especially those living in the urban areas. Here where I’m at, we can still buy fish at P60 a kilo (fresh catch, and straight from the fishermen). Vegetables are still planted in small patches on land and readily shared to neighbors. Imagine me asking for a few sprigs of alugbati or malunggay..

I had tried to shield my children from the full effect of the economic changes my family is experiencing after I decided to leave. It was difficult because our shopping behavior had change and I am glad my children are not used to constant shopping but they have noticed indeed that we have stopped dining out. We used to frequent Outback, Italianni’s and Starbucks. No designer’s coffee and chocolate drinks for me and the children. But I have tried to maintain the food we are used to eating. No downgrades there, except for the decrease in bacon, hotdogs and pancakes each morning.

I can only imagine how other women like me are managing their lives. I wanted to work right away, but the problem is that if I do, I would need to entrust my babies to maids and other relatives. Having raised my children without much hired help, I simply am having trouble justifying getting paid for something like P15,000 for a month over not seeing your children nor overseeing their studies and preparing their meals. For now, the lease that I am getting for our house in the city is sufficient enough to get us through comfortably.