Posts Tagged "Family"

How to I Dealt with Death in the Family

Posted by Alma on 13 Sep 2009 in Death, Family, Life Speak | 0 comments

I have just received news that the mother of my friend Melba has just passed away.  I sincerely know how she feels right now.  This news brings back memories when my own mother died two years ago. Not only that, this reminds me of the death of my older brother Joemen almost 5 years ago.  Death of a family member is not new and for the longest time, I can say that the feeling of loss eventually fade but the memories linger.

I hardly remember my mother now.  But certain things, a smell, food, and certain sound triggers some memories and I am reminded of her.  How she smiles, how she laughs and the food she cooks.

She died of pneumonia which was caused by her heart ailment.  She has endured an open heart surgery at the age of 32 as well as a lifetime of paralysis.  Her last months on earth was not very comfortable.  She spent months in the hospital shivering and whimpering and as my older brother said, she spent hours hanging to her cellphone hoping she’d receive a phone call from me and my sister.

During that time she was in pain, I was also undergoing one of the most painful times of my life.  I never knew she was dying, and when my children and I were on our way back home, and in transit in Bangkok, she had quietly passed away. Looking back, I sort have  understood and taken this as a sign that she knew I was coming home and on my own way to recovery from a very painful separation from my husband and the breakup of a seven year marriage.

I dealt with the death of my mother swiftly, knowing and recognizing the fact that death was inevitable and that she was finally home on the other side.  Do I believe in heaven and the concept of life ever after.  No.  Although born and raised by staunch Catholics, I believe that death is a finality and end of life.

My brother’s death was sudden.  He died at the age of 42.  His death was more painful to me than my mother’s since he was healthy and all of a sudden had myocardial infarction while on a meeting with colleagues.  He even called me hours before he died. Demanding me to see him at Makati Medical Center, and to bring food.  Looking back, I thought it was hilarious and was laughing as I prepared a cake for him the next day and my husband and I picked up his wife, Luchie who was on her way from Mindanao to see her husband who when we got to Makati Medical Center was already in ICU and was not expected to live. I was in shocked but the thought of death never came to me.

He died with me, my daughter, his wife and my husband on his side.  He made one long gasp for air and died.  His chest went to high up and he sort of reached up for some invisible hand.  He died peacefully and I was in shock and saw the grief and look of his wife, Luchie and I can only imagine the pain she felt.

While the death of Joemen was unexpected, my mother’s death was a gift.  Her death has finally ended her physical pain.  Her death has brought her relief and to the people who was looking after her.

So how did I get over the deaths in my family?

Acceptance eventually come. Handling grief is the most painful hurdle.  Transition difficult and painful.  I handled some of the death arrangements.  I took care of her things and which of her things to give away.  I kept some of her things, but I eventually gave her clothes to charity and her bags and shoes to relatives who wanted them.  Parting away with the material things she held valuable and kept was not very easy for my father.  He wanted to keep everything.  I had to wrangle and rationalize with him that while my mother’s things give him comfort, the fact remains that he had to deal with her death one way or the other.  The fact remains that she is now gone and we are still alive and we needed to continue living.  She would have wanted us to keep going on and it gives a smile on my face whenever I am reminded of her funny laughter and her addiction to telenovelas.

I treasure my memories.  My mother has been through so much pain and adversity.  I teach my children about the normalcy of death and how it can come swiftly to people who are healthy and young.

Don’t forget that you are still alive and you need to focus on the tasks at hand.  I remember that when my mother died, my father seemed to have lost his purpose.  Once he has accepted the death and the finality of Mama’s death, he managed to move on with his life now and continues to enjoy life without her.

Think about it this way, if your parent was still alive, would she or he want you to do this on yourself.  Most likely not.  Life went on for me, and the death of a love one is just one painful episode in your life. The loss feeling of loss will fade and you will eventually find and refocus your life once you have accepted the death of a loved one.

Death is part of life and it comes and it goes.  Life goes on for those left on earth and it might be unbelievable for those who has just lost a loved one, but we eventually will feel better.  The pain will cease and the memories of pain will come to bay and eventually fade.

Change is Good

Posted by Alma on 22 Aug 2009 in Children, Family | 5 comments

I know I have neglected my blogs for awhile and the excuse is the same yes, blah, blah and blah…

Anyway, so far alot of things has happened recently.  We have moved homes and I am happy that after a quick house move, the kids had adjusted so quickly again.  This house is much closer to the school, and bigger in terms of space.  One of the nicest things about this house is the fact that it has high ceilings.  It also has several doors.  2 on the side and one on the front.  I found out that when 2 doors are opened, the house felt cozier and breezier.  One of the pluses is its location– a corner lot and even inside the house, I can feel the sea breeze coming in.

View from my work table...

Ventilation is great as well and I am looking forward to lesser electricity bill as we won’t have to use the electric fans 24/7 now.  I have also created my own work corner.  The location is good as well.  From my desk, I can see the people going inside the house and the gates.  I can also see the plants outside which is refreshing.

Thanks to the mahogany trees planted opposite the house, it has given the street including my porch a relaxing shade.  Hayy, this location is so conducive to sleeping and relaxation.  (:yawn: )

Alot of people are scared of change.  Since I have decided to move on with my life, I have adhered to the fact that the only thing that is scary about change is the fact that it is CHANGE.

It is hard to make a decision to change.  Ofcourse it is easy to utter the words, “I have change,” but come on be frank and upfront.  Change is hard and it is scary most specially to the process of change itself.  Change is good because this means another for starting over– let’s say “tabularasa.”

Change has given me back my freedom.  Change has given me peace of mind.

What about you?  How badly do you need change in your life?

Babies hanging on the doorway... how cute!

Related articles by Zemanta

• Review: Belkin Laptop Cooling Stand (lockergnome.com)
• The Computer Cabinet Office [Featured Workspace] (lifehacker.com)
• EDF’s National Ad Campaign: Why the Head of Duke Energy Supports a Carbon Cap (sustainablog.org)
• keep on moving (almostalwaysthinking.com)

Family Crisis- Dad is Running Around with a Twenty Year Old

Posted by Alma on 27 Oct 2008 in Family, Life Speak, Marriage, Relationships | 4 comments

My father has just lost my mother almost a year ago. She finally succumbed to a lifelong problem of heart ailment. Weeks ago, a cousin from another town came to visit me and told me they had seen my father holding hands with a young girl… I was shocked but managed to curb my reaction and laughed it off. I completely forgot about the story until my brother came around on my birthday and informed me we have something important to discuss.

What the heck…

My brother did confirm that our father is indeed enamored with a young girl who works at a local bar. According to locals, the girl is a only over twenty and has been seen to hang around with my father. I told him that our father is hardly senile and can still venture on his own. What scares me is the fact that since alot of people are so against the relationship, they might end up holding out strong as our disapprovance can turn to a “you and me against the world kind of thing.” And days after my brother castigated our father, I was proven right as the decadent relationship continue until today and my father has not heed my brothers’ advise.

Now, what do you think? As children, do we have the right to control and meddle in our parents affairs especially when they seem to be influenced by untoward individuals? Do you think a younger woman can actually fall for a man who is old enough to be her grandfather? What would motivate a young woman to seek a man to whom she has more than 50 years age difference?

When Death Sneaks In

Posted by Alma on 22 Jun 2008 in Uncategorized | 1 comment

He is not here; but far away
The noise of life begins again,
And ghastly thro’ the drizzling rain
On the bald street breaks the blank day.

Absence, Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)

When my mother died, I went blank When my brother died, my world stopped.

Death has a strange way of putting our own lives in perspective. In my lifetime, I had 2 close friends who died when I was under 12 years old and 2 family members. My brother died when I was 25. My mother died when I was 31.

Mylene and Roxanne died when I was in elementary school. Both died of some disease that we more or less knew they were going to die, like my mother. My mother had some heart disease, and she has been having those tiny strokes for 2 years prior to her death last year. My brother died unexpectedly. He was a robust man. He traveled to Manila, took a plane, attended to a meeting, felt headache and couldn’t breathe, went to Makati Med for a check up after officemates insisted, next day, he died. Myocardial infarction. He died at the age of 42.

My mother died at the age of 54. She died the day of my son’s birthday and the day we arrived in Manila from abroad. The day my mother died was bittersweet for me. My children and I were in Bangkok safely, and looking forward to coming home. I only heard of my mother’s death 2 days after. My world paused, and I had to know what my priorities were that time and I moved.

When people close to me died, I realized that they are gone. I speak of my brother with happiness and pride at all times. His memories are still alive but those are all but memories. My mother left a huge mark on my life and her existence had formed me as a person more than my father had. I am more my mother than anybody else. Living with my father now and realizing how much my mother had given to our lives and her relationship with my father made me understand the real meaning of companionship and dedication of couples to each other and the vow they took decades ago. But this entry is not about that. This is about memories that we allow ourselves to be immersed in and how we allow the memories of the dead interplay with our current lives. Their lives cease to exist, but their memories lingers as long as we allow them to be.