Whenever I get the chance to buy things for me, I tend to go for books or CDs.  I love to listen and make music.  My selection vary and they range from Pop, Acoustic Rock, and even Country Music.  I have a very huge selection of playlist on my PC, Mac and Nokia.  I like to listen to music while working and when I needed a break, I like hooking my earphones and listen intently to my favorites.

One of highlights of the week was my talk with a friend and she asked me, “Alma, do you ever wish to have somebody again?”

If I’d say the thought never came to me, then I would be lying to you all. Ofcourse the thought came to me several times before and my answer to that is no. Primarily, I am just too preoccupied to even think if I’d want another man in my life. Suffice to say, with everything that needed to be done at home, work and with school, the thoughts of “getting me a man” doesn’t slip through often.

This thoughts usually come at night time when I am done with work and I am checking out Facebook to check on my friends and how they are doing. I see longtime friends smiling with their husbands or boyfriend’s arms around them. I feel happy to see their gleaming smiles.

Was I jealous? No. But I felt wistful. I think its the companionship and partnership that gets to me. Years ago, I had that life. I had felt the butterflies in the stomach. Getting goosebumps whenever he was near. Or feeling giddy whenever he calls out of the blue or comes home with flowers and unexpected gifts.

I knew the feeling of happiness, and felt the support of a husband years ago and I had relished it. Unfortunately, that life ended and I had mourned it. It took me 3 years to divorce myself emotionally from my husband. It took a year for me to completely detach my thoughts and psychological ties from my husband.

I am happy whenever I see couples huddled together. I smile when I see old couples walking side by side with their children. Perhaps the key to my survival is the fact that I know and recognize the fact that sometimes relationships end.

I actually think of myself as a widow. A woman who had lost a loved one by death. I had mourned that loss years ago. And from time to time I remember things about that life. Certain smell triggers the memory and it permeate through my thoughts. Some memories were bad, some were good. These are my memories. My experiences. I learned that to be able to survive and go through the hurdles is to embrace and recognize these memories. These are mine and mine alone. It has happened and it has brought me to where I am today.

Today, I am happy being alone. Yes, I am alone but I am not lonely. I have my moments, but hey, I know for a fact that life is not at all perfect! I dare not complain….

It was a day I will remember for the rest of my life. I woke up with a wet floor. I went to the kitchen and found my floor was flooded with 2 inch water. I was shocked to discover that the flood water has gone inside the third room of the house. I quickly ran outside to check and found that the rain that started at dawn has not stopped. Since the kitchen was wet, I quickly boiled some eggs for the children since I did not want them to go outside of the room because the kitchen and dining area was wet with rain water. That was at 6am.

Thirty minutes after, I walked out of the house and went three houses down and bought some canned goods from my friend’s sari-sari store. I found the husband of my neighbor cleaning out the canal outside of our houses. He asked me if water has gone inside my house, and I said yes. He told me his wife is coming over to help me. An hour after, Mylene, my neighbor’s wife came in and told me she’s going to help me. Apparently, it has been 4 years since the last flash flood in the area. This small information dismayed me since the likelihood of recurrence is definitely higher. Mylene and her daughter lifted my double bed and elevated it on the single wooden bed in my second room as they fear my bed will get soaked in the flood water. Since my second room has 2 single wooden beds, my console table from Mandaue Foam was raised on top of the bed and important books were moved on top of it.

At 8am, the water has reached my ankles and I called my sister in law in the city to arrange a vehicle for us. She quickly responded that the rains in Cagayan de Oro was also very strong. I called my aunt who lives a few meters away from us and she said the water is building up in her place and she said she is busy clearing up their things from the 1st floor and Basement to bring on the 2nd floor. She asked me if my things were raised already and I said yes. She told me to stand by and wait for the weather to improve.

At 10, the water has climbed to my calf. I started to worry so I texted my husband and told him we were in a flash flood and we are going to move to higher grounds. I did not get any response from him.

At 10:30am, my neighbor Emma and her husband came and told me to move to their house– they have a second floor. I told her to take the my older children first and I want to wait in the house and see what happens. At this point the water inside my house has reached my knees. I quickly packed clothes for myself and the children and took my important documents like passbooks, passports with me. Some of my important documents were bagged up and we lifted them and putted them on the highest part of our heaviest cabinet in the room.

11am. I sighed and decided to leave my house for higher grounds. My PC, printers and other important items in the house were all moved on top of the dining table. My sofa was also raised. This was also the time when my fridge fell and floated on the flood water… Emma, grabbed my Whirlpool fridge and with sheer power, she lifted and dragged it to the corner of the dining area and used my dining table to pin the fridge on the corner.

The sight outside was unbearable. The water has almost reached my waist. I walked through the muddy flood water with Ia on my hip. I couldn’t find my slipper inside my already flooded house and decided to walk through the water barefooted. The men in my street were busy carrying their belongings to higher ground. TVs, washing machines and the like. Some were carrying their children and some were busy taking their cows from the field to safety. I walked to Emma’s house which was only three houses away from mine and I saw their vehicle in flood water.

My children and some of the neighbors children were inside Emma’s house. As children, they did not understand the seriousness of the situation and they were playing around the flood water. I told my children to get off the water and I cringed and almost cried just thinking about the bacteria, and other nasty stuff in the water.

At 2pm, Emma and her husband decided to return to my house for my PC and printer. At this point the water inside my house has almost reached the dining table. The rain has not stopped at this point and I told them not to worry about the other things anymore. The important thing is the fact that the children and I are safe.

This is probably the most boring Christmas ever. However, I am taking boring over last years’ ugliest Christmas experience…

Amywhooo, its 10pm here in rural Mindanao, and its quiet around my neighborhood. There were some fire crackers poppin here and there, but its not much ruckus unlike Manila or some urban area. The children are fitfully asleep and I am here reading my RSS feeds and I had a few Duh moments.

First Honor– A man from Bedford Mass., almost burned his house down after he tired to use a blowtorch to melt the ice on his porch. Duh! Damage? $30,000.

Second Honor– Another man jumped into polar bear’s cage in Berlin. The zoo officials managed to keep the animal from the man by distructing him wuth a leg of beef. Duh! According to Yahoo, the man was– lonely. Duh!

Anyway, so much for Christmas…

32.

Older.

Definitely wiser.

Happy Birthday to Me…

Powered by Zoundry Raven

I have a pending claims dispute with my local bank, Banco de Oro.  It all started when the cashier at Makro swiped my debit card THRICE after their POS machine said “comm error” on its teeny screen.  I got tired of the “error messages” so I told the cashier to cancel the debit card payment and I decided to withdraw some cash using the same card at the ATM located in the store.  After withdrawing and looking at the receipt, I noticed something amiss.  Since my children were all running around amok in Makro, I told everybody to get out and off we went after I settled the bills in cash.

I checked my transactions at BDO Online and saw that I was indeed charged.  The charged went through and I also paid for the same transaction iun cash.  D a m n ! ! !  I called the BDO Hotline and reported the discrepancies.  I was only given an incident number and was promised a refund in 10 days…  Its over a month now and darn, BDO, I want my money back!!!

…You may suffer bereavement, but life does not stop. It goes on…

Satyajit Ray (1921-1992), Indian Film Director, Deliverance.

It would be my brother’s 6th year death anniversary on the 25th. It has been awhile since I have thought of him, but death has been discussed recently and unlike some people I have become comfortable discussing death with my children.

Joemen, my brother died at the age of 42. He died from myocardial infarction (heart attack). We all never saw it coming. It came and took him while he was traveling to Manila for an official business meeting. Diabetes, hypertension and heart disease is nothing new to us. But Kuya was strong as an ox! He was robust and had problems with his cholesterol level and blood sugar. While traveling, the infarction came mildly. He experienced tightness in the chest, lightheadedness and headache. No one suspected mild infarction, but being with doctors, they suggested he go down to Makati Med Emergency Room for a check up and he died the next day. What made this day remarkable to me was the fact that I was there beside him when he died. Him dying and expiring never came to me, event then I remembered wondering why he was in the ICU for a routine check up. He called me at home and asked me to visit him. We picked up his wife in the airport then we went to see him at Makati Med. I think an hour or so during our visit, he died.

Right now, in this moment, I can still remember his face. How it lit up when he saw us. How his chest suddenly lifted off the bed then the machines beside him started to beep intermittently. The beeping was so loud and I remembered all the nurses rushing in and more machines were pushed in the room. We were ordered to leave the room, and my sister in law and I peered through the crack on the door, so scared to even think and consider the unthinkable. Forty-five minutes after, he was pronounced dead.

My oldest brother was my favorite. Somehow he knew what to give us for our birthdays, and during Christmas– bears, Mickey Mouse watches, numerous Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys series… Every weekend he would come around the house with his wife, his girl friend and he would drive us around his car and it would really make our day. He was my defender when our father was cross with me. He was our source of laughter as his sense of humor was fantastically clever.

Tomorrow, as his death anniversary comes, we will remember Kuya as a person so full of life. We will remember all the good things he has done for us. One thing is for sure he will always be remembered with a smile… I love you Kuya, wherever you are…

Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies. Nobody that matters, that is.

Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892-1950), U.S. Poet

I had a very interesting night. My second daughter asked me a striking question. “Will I die also?” Ofcourse the question did not come out just like that. It started with the conversation about rats and how we needed to keep our house clean so rats will not feast on our crumbs in the kitchen and bedroom (as my children has the habit of taking bread, biscuits and whatever snacks inside the room).

Then the other day, we were welcomed by a dead rat in our living room. It was a sorry sight. We shrieked first then I needed to clean it out, so I took the dustpan and swept the dead rat into it and threw the rat in the garbage pile. It was not very difficult to explain the death of the rat since it was obvious that the cat did it because there were puncture wounds on its body. I explained the possible circumstance and the children accepted it. Until—

Anyway, while we were getting ready for bed, she asked me, “Will I be in high school or college when I get old?” So I said, technically that would not be old, but you would have aged more then. Then, she asked, “But will I die when I get old?” I was stunned for awhile and choosing my words carefully I said “You actually do not have to be old to die. Because some people actually die young.” Then she suddenly started crying and saying, “I do not want to die, Mom.” I was shocked, and I hugged her and then she said, “God, please I do not want to die.”

I said, “Nobody is dying, Ba-ba.” My children has actually experienced death recently as my mom has passed away last November. Though my children had not been in the funeral, they are very much aware of death in the family, as my brother had also passed away years ago. I thought, “Now, how do I explain this to a child?” I mustered enough courage and said, “If we take care of ourselves, and no accidents happened, we will not die.” I also added, “Everybody WILL die. Mommy will die, Daddy will die, one day.” She wailed and I wanted to take my words back, but thought, “What the heck? Let her hear about death from me, rather than from others.” I said, “we certainly cannot control everything in our lives, ba-ba. Sometimes, people die because of illnesses… like Lola, who died because of heart complications, or Uncle, because he smoked alot and it gave him alot of problems and he died because of that.” “Also Daddy’s Dad died of old age, but he has been sickly for a long time…”

She quieted, and she listened intently. I was stroking her face as I explain along, and while my oldest daughter listens quietly. I also stressed the importance of taking care of ourselves by eating the right food, and avoiding circumstances that might lead to death or accidents. Or even taking proper medications so we will not become too ill. She then asks me, “Mom, do not let me die.” I cried then and told her, “Baba, I will try my best.”

Looking back to my exchange with my little one, I thought I was right and I was very open to her about the aspect of death. I am happy she had voiced out her questions to me that meant to me that my daughter trust me enough for her to ask about the subject of death. I had to think back hard if I had the same experience as a child. So far, I cannot remember any instance that I had asked, but my experience was different. I was not exposed to death, when I was young. My brother died a few years ago. My mother died months ago. My husband’s dad and sister died a few years ago also. So the subject of death came early in our family. I think though it is morbid, but death will always be a part of living. It is a part of life and no matter how much we try to avoid death, it will come, and when it will, most of the time, the people who mattered to us will not be ready at all…

It’s been awhile since I have shopped for myself. Not that I have alot of spares, but its been really awhile since I have shopped for anything for me. Let’s say its almost a year already.

I have not been very good with rewarding myself. Its been awhile since I did or bought anything for myself. But this weekend, my children and I went to the mall and I noticed Book Sale and I bought a couple of books for myself. These are books by Jonathan Kellerman, Faye Kellerman, Michael Connelly and yes, one of my favorites, John Grisham.

Reading has always been one of my favorite things to do eversince I was a teenager. From Nancy Drews and the Hardy Boys, I am now gorging myself with reads by Kellerman, Grisham,Connelly and Crichton. I like to read legal and mystery books. So wait up for some book reviews…

When you are down and out, something always turns up-and it is usually the noses of your friends.

Orson Welles (1915 – 1985)

U.S. actor, director, producer, and writer, The New York Times.

My friend Karen came to see me the other day. It was the best thing that has happened to me for awhile now. After the banking fiasco, I have decided to treat the children and myself to an overnight trip to the city. I made the arrangements while waiting for the girls to get back from school and when we were on our way out of the house, my cellphone rang and Karen, my dearest friend from way back and she told me she was in town. What a coincidence! I told her my children and I were on our way out to the city for a night out but will be back tomorrow after our monthly trip to Makro. We made our date– we will meet in the hotel few hours before her flight out back to Manila.

Karen… A breath of fresh air. I love this person so much. She has been there when I needed a friend the most. Cherryl and Karen– both my dearest friends. Our friendship has been tested through times. Tried and tested. Even when my family has moved abroad, they have been there.

Karen went to visit me when I needed someone the most. She saw me at my worst and she was there to give me a hand and she listened to my woes. You know how it feels like? I feel lighter after speaking to her. She reassures me like no one can. Karen is my speaker in the event I get stalled up in the pearly gates of heaven, no doubt.

Cherryl was also there to lend a helping hand when I needed it the most. I didn’t even have to say anything, and she’d be there to lend a hand or two. Perhaps one of the people who has known me well since we have known each other since we were in primary school. We were never really friends back then, but when I got married and through a stroke of luck, we discovered how alike we are and how much we jive. Her mature views and thoughtfulness rank true and I never doubted her friendship ever since we became close.

Now that we are all are far from each other and we do not get to communicate as often as before in Manila, I look back with wistfulness and wish I would be able to cultivate the same degree of friends here and also continue to nurture the friendship that I have with both Karen and Che.

Distance sometimes endears friendship, and absence sweeteneth it.

James Howell (1594? – 1666)

English writer, Familiar Letters of James Howell (W. H. Bennett (ed.)

We actually choose our life and how we deal with friends or other relations we have in this lifetime. To me, the tribulations and twist of fate that has brought the demise of my marriage has strangely strengthen and tested my relationship with my friends. Not only had I proven that true friends shall never leave you in the dumps, and like Orson Welles said above, I welcome my friends’ noses anytime..