Today is my brother’s 8th year death anniversary.  In remembrance of his life, his wife scheduled a mass near his grave site.  It was surreal, 8am, and the day started off quite early for me.  Having done my work prior to changing and heading for Greenhills Memorial Park in Bulua, Cagayan de Oro City, I quickly whipped breakfast for my children and took a cab.

Whenever I get the chance to buy things for me, I tend to go for books or CDs.  I love to listen and make music.  My selection vary and they range from Pop, Acoustic Rock, and even Country Music.  I have a very huge selection of playlist on my PC, Mac and Nokia.  I like to listen to music while working and when I needed a break, I like hooking my earphones and listen intently to my favorites.

I have just received news that the mother of my friend Melba has just passed away.  I sincerely know how she feels right now.  This news brings back memories when my own mother died two years ago. Not only that, this reminds me of the death of my older brother Joemen almost 5 years ago.  Death of a family member is not new and for the longest time, I can say that the feeling of loss eventually fade but the memories linger.

I hardly remember my mother now.  But certain things, a smell, food, and certain sound triggers some memories and I am reminded of her.  How she smiles, how she laughs and the food she cooks.

She died of pneumonia which was caused by her heart ailment.  She has endured an open heart surgery at the age of 32 as well as a lifetime of paralysis.  Her last months on earth was not very comfortable.  She spent months in the hospital shivering and whimpering and as my older brother said, she spent hours hanging to her cellphone hoping she’d receive a phone call from me and my sister.

During that time she was in pain, I was also undergoing one of the most painful times of my life.  I never knew she was dying, and when my children and I were on our way back home, and in transit in Bangkok, she had quietly passed away. Looking back, I sort have  understood and taken this as a sign that she knew I was coming home and on my own way to recovery from a very painful separation from my husband and the breakup of a seven year marriage.

I dealt with the death of my mother swiftly, knowing and recognizing the fact that death was inevitable and that she was finally home on the other side.  Do I believe in heaven and the concept of life ever after.  No.  Although born and raised by staunch Catholics, I believe that death is a finality and end of life.

My brother’s death was sudden.  He died at the age of 42.  His death was more painful to me than my mother’s since he was healthy and all of a sudden had myocardial infarction while on a meeting with colleagues.  He even called me hours before he died. Demanding me to see him at Makati Medical Center, and to bring food.  Looking back, I thought it was hilarious and was laughing as I prepared a cake for him the next day and my husband and I picked up his wife, Luchie who was on her way from Mindanao to see her husband who when we got to Makati Medical Center was already in ICU and was not expected to live. I was in shocked but the thought of death never came to me.

He died with me, my daughter, his wife and my husband on his side.  He made one long gasp for air and died.  His chest went to high up and he sort of reached up for some invisible hand.  He died peacefully and I was in shock and saw the grief and look of his wife, Luchie and I can only imagine the pain she felt.

While the death of Joemen was unexpected, my mother’s death was a gift.  Her death has finally ended her physical pain.  Her death has brought her relief and to the people who was looking after her.

So how did I get over the deaths in my family?

Acceptance eventually come. Handling grief is the most painful hurdle.  Transition difficult and painful.  I handled some of the death arrangements.  I took care of her things and which of her things to give away.  I kept some of her things, but I eventually gave her clothes to charity and her bags and shoes to relatives who wanted them.  Parting away with the material things she held valuable and kept was not very easy for my father.  He wanted to keep everything.  I had to wrangle and rationalize with him that while my mother’s things give him comfort, the fact remains that he had to deal with her death one way or the other.  The fact remains that she is now gone and we are still alive and we needed to continue living.  She would have wanted us to keep going on and it gives a smile on my face whenever I am reminded of her funny laughter and her addiction to telenovelas.

I treasure my memories.  My mother has been through so much pain and adversity.  I teach my children about the normalcy of death and how it can come swiftly to people who are healthy and young.

Don’t forget that you are still alive and you need to focus on the tasks at hand.  I remember that when my mother died, my father seemed to have lost his purpose.  Once he has accepted the death and the finality of Mama’s death, he managed to move on with his life now and continues to enjoy life without her.

Think about it this way, if your parent was still alive, would she or he want you to do this on yourself.  Most likely not.  Life went on for me, and the death of a love one is just one painful episode in your life. The loss feeling of loss will fade and you will eventually find and refocus your life once you have accepted the death of a loved one.

Death is part of life and it comes and it goes.  Life goes on for those left on earth and it might be unbelievable for those who has just lost a loved one, but we eventually will feel better.  The pain will cease and the memories of pain will come to bay and eventually fade.

One of highlights of the week was my talk with a friend and she asked me, “Alma, do you ever wish to have somebody again?”

If I’d say the thought never came to me, then I would be lying to you all. Ofcourse the thought came to me several times before and my answer to that is no. Primarily, I am just too preoccupied to even think if I’d want another man in my life. Suffice to say, with everything that needed to be done at home, work and with school, the thoughts of “getting me a man” doesn’t slip through often.

This thoughts usually come at night time when I am done with work and I am checking out Facebook to check on my friends and how they are doing. I see longtime friends smiling with their husbands or boyfriend’s arms around them. I feel happy to see their gleaming smiles.

Was I jealous? No. But I felt wistful. I think its the companionship and partnership that gets to me. Years ago, I had that life. I had felt the butterflies in the stomach. Getting goosebumps whenever he was near. Or feeling giddy whenever he calls out of the blue or comes home with flowers and unexpected gifts.

I knew the feeling of happiness, and felt the support of a husband years ago and I had relished it. Unfortunately, that life ended and I had mourned it. It took me 3 years to divorce myself emotionally from my husband. It took a year for me to completely detach my thoughts and psychological ties from my husband.

I am happy whenever I see couples huddled together. I smile when I see old couples walking side by side with their children. Perhaps the key to my survival is the fact that I know and recognize the fact that sometimes relationships end.

I actually think of myself as a widow. A woman who had lost a loved one by death. I had mourned that loss years ago. And from time to time I remember things about that life. Certain smell triggers the memory and it permeate through my thoughts. Some memories were bad, some were good. These are my memories. My experiences. I learned that to be able to survive and go through the hurdles is to embrace and recognize these memories. These are mine and mine alone. It has happened and it has brought me to where I am today.

Today, I am happy being alone. Yes, I am alone but I am not lonely. I have my moments, but hey, I know for a fact that life is not at all perfect! I dare not complain….

It was just so freakin hot where we’re at.  The weather was hot and balmy.  It’s was just like inside a steamy sauna room.  I remembered my first sauna experience at Fitness First years ago and I almost died inside.  It was just so balmy– I mean, that was what the sauna was about.  But I swear, I couldn’t breathe inside the room, and I was getting lightheaded even.

I thought the 10 minute sauna would kill me… it didn’t.  Anyway, the heat here was tolerable and the children were enjoying their day outside with the neighbor’s children.  I heard their merriment as they told me their first attempt to fly a kite.  Boy I have never flown a kite before.

They were just so happy.  One of the older girls made a simple kite for my daughters. It was just one of those ones made of bamboo strips and simple chinese paper and nylon.  It was a joy watching my children play on the vacant lot near our house.  Hearing their peels of laughter was music to my ears.

How about you?  How was your day?  I sure hope it was as good as mine…

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The connectors of my cable to the antenna of my Bayantel Wireless fell apart. The connectors broke and this meant no connection for me both landline and internet. I am still reeling with the fact that Smart Bro has turned down my location saying they couldn’t simply get any signal to my house. This irked me because a few house down, a neighbor has their very own Smart Bro. So, what gives?

Anyway, I called the Bayantel Hotline (171) yesterday and they said they will be sending a technician down tomorrow. I followed up early today and I managed to catch the technician and I told him what exactly happened. I asked if he could bring a couple of connectors for me so the problem can be fixed right away. Not only that, I reminded him to bring his own tools and I mentioned that I do not want technicians borrowing my own tools.

I have not even blinked and I was expecting the guy to come later in the afternoon and there he was! He went to work right away. Fixed the connectors using the connectors he bought at the local hardware shop along the way (which I refunded). After 15 minutes of tinkering with the connector and using his solder to fix the wiring, the connection to the phone to the antenna was fixed! When he was done, I asked him to check my connection up in the roof and he climbed up and told me the connection there was busted too. I think the heavy rains that caused floods in the area the past few days has damaged my connection and I thanked God I had asked him to buy 2 connectors! He fixed the connectors, went down to solder again and climbed up and asked me to peer inside and check the signal bar and alas! For the first time in 6 months– I have a full bar! I checked the internet connection and was connected fast. The downloading was also quick! Hurray, even for dial-up!

I would like to thank Bayantel- Cagayan de Oro Team for the apt quick response. Thank you to Ivan Francis for the repair. He was courteous and he definitely knows his job! He even promised to confirm the news that Bayantel DSL can actually tap on Misortel telephone line so consumers can enjoy DSL connection. I hope he can get a better response and explanation regarding this since I was informed before by Misortel that their lines in my area is not fiber optic and not DSL ready. Let’s see what happens to that… And, thanks to Chona of Customer Support personnel for taking my call.

Compassion and Responsibility for Animals (CARA), a non-profit organization formed in 2000 by a dedicated group of animal lovers determined to help the plight of animals in the Philippines. Despite RA8485- Animal Welfare Act, cruelty to animals, especially to dogs and cats continues. This is largely due to ignorance and the total lack of political will to enforce the law. As a consequence, dogs are regularly killed and then eaten; while cats are beaten, stoned or shot for the sheer fan of it. In many cases, children have witnessed elders stabbing stray dogs to death, then roasted over the fire. There are even documented cases of town and village police as perpetrators of these heinous acts. CARA Philippines has recently decided to help stop and protect the animals as like humans, animals have the moral right to be treated with respect and without exploitation.

On February 21-22, from 10 a.m. – 6 p.m., CARA Philippines will sponsor an animal adoption weekend at Boni High Street on Saturday and Sunday, outside the Coffee Bean Cafe, Parking Area B8. If you have the time to visit, please drop by and adopt or sponsor some of the animals and meet some of the people behind CARA.

To know more about CARA Philippines, visit their website and volunteer your services for a good cause.

It was a day I will remember for the rest of my life. I woke up with a wet floor. I went to the kitchen and found my floor was flooded with 2 inch water. I was shocked to discover that the flood water has gone inside the third room of the house. I quickly ran outside to check and found that the rain that started at dawn has not stopped. Since the kitchen was wet, I quickly boiled some eggs for the children since I did not want them to go outside of the room because the kitchen and dining area was wet with rain water. That was at 6am.

Thirty minutes after, I walked out of the house and went three houses down and bought some canned goods from my friend’s sari-sari store. I found the husband of my neighbor cleaning out the canal outside of our houses. He asked me if water has gone inside my house, and I said yes. He told me his wife is coming over to help me. An hour after, Mylene, my neighbor’s wife came in and told me she’s going to help me. Apparently, it has been 4 years since the last flash flood in the area. This small information dismayed me since the likelihood of recurrence is definitely higher. Mylene and her daughter lifted my double bed and elevated it on the single wooden bed in my second room as they fear my bed will get soaked in the flood water. Since my second room has 2 single wooden beds, my console table from Mandaue Foam was raised on top of the bed and important books were moved on top of it.

At 8am, the water has reached my ankles and I called my sister in law in the city to arrange a vehicle for us. She quickly responded that the rains in Cagayan de Oro was also very strong. I called my aunt who lives a few meters away from us and she said the water is building up in her place and she said she is busy clearing up their things from the 1st floor and Basement to bring on the 2nd floor. She asked me if my things were raised already and I said yes. She told me to stand by and wait for the weather to improve.

At 10, the water has climbed to my calf. I started to worry so I texted my husband and told him we were in a flash flood and we are going to move to higher grounds. I did not get any response from him.

At 10:30am, my neighbor Emma and her husband came and told me to move to their house– they have a second floor. I told her to take the my older children first and I want to wait in the house and see what happens. At this point the water inside my house has reached my knees. I quickly packed clothes for myself and the children and took my important documents like passbooks, passports with me. Some of my important documents were bagged up and we lifted them and putted them on the highest part of our heaviest cabinet in the room.

11am. I sighed and decided to leave my house for higher grounds. My PC, printers and other important items in the house were all moved on top of the dining table. My sofa was also raised. This was also the time when my fridge fell and floated on the flood water… Emma, grabbed my Whirlpool fridge and with sheer power, she lifted and dragged it to the corner of the dining area and used my dining table to pin the fridge on the corner.

The sight outside was unbearable. The water has almost reached my waist. I walked through the muddy flood water with Ia on my hip. I couldn’t find my slipper inside my already flooded house and decided to walk through the water barefooted. The men in my street were busy carrying their belongings to higher ground. TVs, washing machines and the like. Some were carrying their children and some were busy taking their cows from the field to safety. I walked to Emma’s house which was only three houses away from mine and I saw their vehicle in flood water.

My children and some of the neighbors children were inside Emma’s house. As children, they did not understand the seriousness of the situation and they were playing around the flood water. I told my children to get off the water and I cringed and almost cried just thinking about the bacteria, and other nasty stuff in the water.

At 2pm, Emma and her husband decided to return to my house for my PC and printer. At this point the water inside my house has almost reached the dining table. The rain has not stopped at this point and I told them not to worry about the other things anymore. The important thing is the fact that the children and I are safe.

This is probably the most boring Christmas ever. However, I am taking boring over last years’ ugliest Christmas experience…

Amywhooo, its 10pm here in rural Mindanao, and its quiet around my neighborhood. There were some fire crackers poppin here and there, but its not much ruckus unlike Manila or some urban area. The children are fitfully asleep and I am here reading my RSS feeds and I had a few Duh moments.

First Honor– A man from Bedford Mass., almost burned his house down after he tired to use a blowtorch to melt the ice on his porch. Duh! Damage? $30,000.

Second Honor– Another man jumped into polar bear’s cage in Berlin. The zoo officials managed to keep the animal from the man by distructing him wuth a leg of beef. Duh! According to Yahoo, the man was– lonely. Duh!

Anyway, so much for Christmas…

It is so obvious that businesses thrives on consumerism. Consumerism is the attitude that values the acquisition of material goods. I did our last minute shopping today. As expected, the traffic was horrible and hair-raising. Consumerism is so alive today. Makro was full of people with overflowing carts. Recession seem to be out of the window right now. Makes me rethink my post about deflation… or perhaps we are not feeling the effects yet. And us Filipinos has to rethink our idea of huge noche buenas especially when times are harder.

I felt sorry for our neighbor but at the same time thankful for her. She is currently busy planning a “huge” noche buena for the neighborhood. Yes, you heard me, the party is for the entire neighborhood. She said it is her way of saying thanks to her neighbors for patronizing her sari-sari store– the biggest in our small village.

But while I am thankful, I felt sorry for her, since the pressure of giving a huge party is getting to her physically and emotionally. Since groceries and food is far more expensive now than last year, the expectation of the neighborhood is high and she did not want to disappoint everybody since she felt sorry for most of our neighbors are on the class D and E– just too many unemployed people and people living below poverty line. I surmised perhaps all of us owe her something in one time or another.

Anyway, that’s her way of celebrating and my way is another way. Salve at Money Smarts is offering a challenge for a budget handaan. Is there really a budget handaan? Is this possible? Actually my children and I are not going to have a noche buena but I intend to celebrate Christmas tomorrow by giving an extra-special lunch. The menu is simple and straight forward. Like I said, Christmas is about the celebration of family and not about how much gifts we gave nor received. Let us just get back to the real root and meaning of Christmas. Only the big businesses are profiting over the idea of Christmas. I think it is time for us to rethink our values and what we deem as important.