How many have I thought of using my blog to spew my marriage’s dirty laundry? Many times. How many times have I thought of ruining my husband’s reputation and professional credibility? Many times. How many times have I thought of posting all of my husband’s lewd and degrading emails to myself? More than once…

You see, there are many reasons why I have started to blog again. I blog because I needed an outlet for my creativity. A creativity that has been repressed for awhile– let’s just say on the duration of my marriage. I have blogged anonymously then I started to like the flexibility and the enjoyment of having friends and having your thoughts published online for my friend’s enjoyment. After my husband has discovered my blog, he claimed I was “posting myself up” as if the blog was something lewd or porno based… Truth be known my old blog was a celebration of family life. A life I had enjoyed living even until the time my marriage started to crumble and I finally chose to break free and live life alone with my children.

Two years ago, I started reading the book, Dark Nights of the Soul by Thomas Moore. This book was recommended by my therapist I have read this book while in transition and the book was truly enlightening in a sense that it made sense of my own “dark nights.” The Dark Nights of the Soul is one of the books that I promise anybody who is undergoing tribulations be it divorce, death of a loved one or any ongoing soul search due to some traumatic happening in one’s life.

My favorite is Thomas Moore’s thoughts on forgiveness, and I quote,

The capacity to forgive reveals a soul that is free of anxiety, one that is mature and equal to the complexity of human interaction. Forgiveness requires what Aristotle called “a great soul” and is captured in a virtue often ignored and not appreciated – magnanimity…The Greek word forforgiveness means release. When you forgive, you release yourself as well as the other person. You allow life to go on, to bypass your exaggerated sense of virtue and your worry about being offended. As long as you sit on your power to forgive, you suppress your joy in life. You also limit yourself: If you keep those you love within tight boundaries of behavior, you have to bind yourself as well lest you be a hypocrite.

Some aspect of your imagination may have to shift before forgiveness is possible. In that case, the effort toward forgiveness heals you and opens a valve that allows life to flow. The sense of release is the sign that forgiveness is at hand and you may now come back to life.

In more ways than one, the impact of Moore’s book, Dark Nights of the Soul and the lessons I have gained from reading it and the application of using my dark night as the beginning of the enlightenment of my soul. I am now trying my best to use my dark night as a way to release my creativity and using that creativity to bring closure and more meaning to my life as I continue to make active decisions on my life rather than me stuck with the depression and the angst that has brought me my dark nights.

I aim to seek to forgive and possibly forget what my husband has done to me and to our family and to forgive myself for letting go and freeing myself from the tribulations of our marriage. I have long thought of the sacrifices I have made for myself and my children and now thought of the things I do deserve and more.

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