I have just received news that the mother of my friend Melba has just passed away.  I sincerely know how she feels right now.  This news brings back memories when my own mother died two years ago. Not only that, this reminds me of the death of my older brother Joemen almost 5 years ago.  Death of a family member is not new and for the longest time, I can say that the feeling of loss eventually fade but the memories linger.

I hardly remember my mother now.  But certain things, a smell, food, and certain sound triggers some memories and I am reminded of her.  How she smiles, how she laughs and the food she cooks. 

She died of pneumonia which was caused by her heart ailment.  She has endured an open heart surgery at the age of 32 as well as a lifetime of paralysis.  Her last months on earth was not very comfortable.  She spent months in the hospital shivering and whimpering and as my older brother said, she spent hours hanging to her cellphone hoping she’d receive a phone call from me and my sister.

During that time she was in pain, I was also undergoing one of the most painful times of my life.  I never knew she was dying, and when my children and I were on our way back home, and in transit in Bangkok, she had quietly passed away. Looking back, I sort have  understood and taken this as a sign that she knew I was coming home and on my own way to recovery from a very painful separation from my husband and the breakup of a seven year marriage.

I dealt with the death of my mother swiftly, knowing and recognizing the fact that death was inevitable and that she was finally home on the other side.  Do I believe in heaven and the concept of life ever after.  No.  Although born and raised by staunch Catholics, I believe that death is a finality and end of life. 

My brother’s death was sudden.  He died at the age of 42.  His death was more painful to me than my mother’s since he was healthy and all of a sudden had myocardial infarction while on a meeting with colleagues.  He even called me hours before he died. Demanding me to see him at Makati Medical Center, and to bring food.  Looking back, I thought it was hilarious and was laughing as I prepared a cake for him the next day and my husband and I picked up his wife, Luchie who was on her way from Mindanao to see her husband who when we got to Makati Medical Center was already in ICU and was not expected to live. I was in shocked but the thought of death never came to me.

He died with me, my daughter, his wife and my husband on his side.  He made one long gasp for air and died.  His chest went to high up and he sort of reached up for some invisible hand.  He died peacefully and I was in shock and saw the grief and look of his wife, Luchie and I can only imagine the pain she felt.

While the death of Joemen was unexpected, my mother’s death was a gift.  Her death has finally ended her physical pain.  Her death has brought her relief and to the people who was looking after her. 

So how did I get over the deaths in my family?

Acceptance eventually come.  Handling grief is the most painful hurdle.  Transition difficult and painful.  I handled some of the death arrangements.  I took care of her things and which of her things to give away.  I kept some of her things, but I eventually gave her clothes to charity and her bags and shoes to relatives who wanted them.  Parting away with the material things she held valuable and kept was not very easy for my father.  He wanted to keep everything.  I had to wrangle and rationalize with him that while my mother’s things give him comfort, the fact remains that he had to deal with her death one way or the other.  The fact remains that she is now gone and we are still alive and we needed to continue living.  She would have wanted us to keep going on and it gives a smile on my face whenever I am reminded of her funny laughter and her addiction to telenovelas.

I treasure my memories.  My mother has been through so much pain and adversity.  I teach my children about the normalcy of death and how it can come swiftly to people who are healthy and young. 

Don’t forget that you are still alive and you need to focus on the tasks at hand.  I remember that when my mother died, my father seemed to have lost his purpose.  Once he has accepted the death and the finality of Mama’s death, he managed to move on with his life now and continues to enjoy life without her.

Think about it this way, if your parent was still alive, would she or he want you to do this on yourself.  Most likely not.  Life went on for me, and the death of a love one is just one painful episode in your life. The loss feeling of loss will fade and you will eventually find and refocus your life once you have accepted the death of a loved one.

Death is part of life and it comes and it goes.  Life goes on for those left on earth and it might be unbelievable for those who has just lost a loved one, but we eventually will feel better.  The pain will cease and the memories of pain will come to bay and eventually fade.